You Do Have the Answers

Seven years ago, when I went through cancer, I was under the impression the doctors would recommend what type of treatment and surgery to have. This was not my experience at all.  Instead, they gave me all the facts, data, research, and statistics, gave me my choices, and let me decide the rest. I was confused, sad, and disappointed when I was left to decide between a lumpectomy, mastectomy, or double mastectomy. I wanted answers and guidance. 

From there, it was a blur of doctors' appointments, second opinions, research, data, and statistics. I was going from appointment to appointment, listening, learning, and trying to take it all in. I did what I do and shared my truth with my closest support system while experiencing my feelings fully and talking about them. I remember my Stepmom saying to me; “I think you are going to wake up one day and just know your answer.” 

“Well, that would be nice!” I thought, dismissively.

The next morning, while all was peaceful and quiet, I wrote in my journal. I did my thing and got intimate with the situation I was experiencing through the written word on the page. I allowed myself the space to be still, and let the pen write through me.  

“What do I want my legacy with this cancer to be?” I wrote. And then my inner knowing took over. It felt like settling in and receiving the truth. I wrote, “I want my kids to remember that I had cancer and that's all I want them to remember.” I felt a sense of certainty that a double mastectomy was what I wanted and needed to do.

There is so much more to the, “...that is all I want them to remember,” portion of that sentence. But I knew that I didn’t want them to remember the worry, the multiple biopsies, lumpectomies, and continuous waiting for pathology, the constant fear and wonder. Nope, I was done.

The few days following this clarity, I had to tell my loved ones what I decided to do. 

“Are you sure?”

“Maybe you want to sleep on that?” 

“That is a big decision, are you sure you have to do that?” 

Phrases I remember hearing. Whether these things were actually said or not, I have no idea.  But that is what I felt.

“I am sure,” I would say. “I’ve never felt more sure.”

The best part about this memory is that there was zero doubt in my mind. I knew what I wanted to do and it didn’t matter to me what other people thought. That confidence was rare for me to feel during that era of my life as I was constantly searching for approval.

Once the surgery was over and the pathology came back, “Wow, you really know your body,” is what the surgeon said to me. “The cancer was larger than we thought on the one side and there were traces on the other. If you would have done a lumpectomy, we definitely would have advised that you go back for a mastectomy and most likely a double given the pathology.”

This is when I learned that I do have the answers.  

We can tell ourselves all day long that  we don’t know what to do or that we’re unsure of the next step to take. But the truth is, we all know. The answers are there. We just don’t get quiet enough, or often enough to hear them. So the next time you don’t believe that you know what you need, or you’re doubting your ability to follow through. Clear some space, get into nature or stillness, or whatever calls to you, and ASK yourself again–  I believe deeply that your answers will come.